“I told you!”
”No, you didn’t!”
I bet you have done this. How about “You said so” “No, I didn’t”?
It sounds like a preschool playground, but the fact is not only children but adults do it all the time.
When an argument happens, often people focus on something beside the real point.
Suppose early in the week you told your husband that you were going out with your friend Saturday afternoon. Friday night, he tells you your mother in law is coming for a visit the next day.
“What? I didn’t know that!”
“I told you last week!”
“No, you didn’t!”
“Yes, I told you as soon as I heard from my mom!” or something like that.
Now, what is the real issue? The problem is the conflict that both your friend and in-law are expecting to see you at the same time. It is obvious that you need to cancel either of them. What you need to think about is which is more important. If your friend lives far away and you hardly have a chance to see her while your in-law lives in the same town and you see her frequently, you may choose to see the friend, or vice versa.
The next action you should take is not to keep arguing with your husband but make a decision, contact the one you are going to disappoint and sincerely apologize. Finding who really did what between you and your husband doesn’t have anything to do with it.
However, the “I told you” “No, you didn’t” argument happens easily and it holds you off from taking the necessary action for the main issue immediately.
We all assume, misunderstand, get confused and forget. I do, so do others.
You might habitually reply ‘okay’ when your husband told you about the in-law’s visit, but it didn’t registered into your head. It may be him who assumed you heard it when he just murmured it while you were too busy with something else. Or he didn’t tell you but he believes he did. Or he left a note on the kitchen table but it was not noticed and ended up in the garbage bin. It can be his fault, your fault or nobody’s fault. There is no evidence who really did or didn’t what. Then is there any point to keep arguing whose fault it is? If you two admit you could have been a bit more careful about the communication, and try to improve your way from now on, everything is okay.
But, in the reality, often it is not entirely okay. No matter how much you accept the responsibility for the misunderstanding to a fair degree, you may still feel something wrong. It may not be easy to let it go.
That’s because your emotion is reacting.
You are smart and understanding. You are matured and patient. You try to be reasonable. You try not to be critical but sympathetic and encouraging with others.
Despite your logical understanding and the effort to be a better person, deeply inside you are afraid of being wrong, especially a false accusation. When you don’t think you did anything wrong, and someone else treats you as if you did something wrong, you get upset. It is normal. We all have this experience in the past. The more you experience/percept the false accusation, the more your painful emotion grows. It accumulates within you and eventually it explodes. The who-did-what argument is the typical trigger.
An argument requires at least two parties. One of them, if not both, reacts first. When one starts claiming it is not his fault but the other’s, the second party starts defending.
Once you get into this situation, what you can do is the only one – control yourself, not the one who’s arguing with you.
Is the main point to find out who really did what? There is no way to find it out unless everything had been recorded. If so, is it worth it to keep arguing about it?
Why are you upset so much? What is the true cause of this? Isn’t this just a trigger? If so, look at the true cause. Don’t you have the pain to be accused?
It is normal to feel pain with someone’s accusation, especially when it is not true. Your reaction is perfectly normal and acceptable.
Then, besides, what do you really have to focus right now? What is the main issue you have to deal immediately?
When you sort your emotion out to this point, you should know what is next. It is probably not to keep arguing with the person. You have something more important at this point.
And, your pain is fundamentally important but there is no quick fix. Be ready to take more time to deal with it. You repeat this realization again and again, and eventually gain the better control over yourself.
So, next time you see two children arguing about who did what, remember that it reflects all of our nature.
We all want to be understood correctly. We want to be heard. So do others. So, start from listening to yourself carefully.