This is following the previous posts about well behaving but manipulating children.
It is so true that a child destructs the caregiver consistently. It slows her down and takes a lot of energy away from her in one way or another. The parenting textbook says you have to be kind but firm to discipline a child but it is easier said than done.
When a child whines, due to the lack of time and patience/energy, she often gives in, many times without being aware of it. It is the compromising way to deal with the situation.
Or sometimes the caregiver terminates the game by force instead of a deal, typically by scolding or ignoring. His patience runs out. Usually the child senses his emotion and stops carrying on.
Yes, a child pushes you a lot. And of course you are not perfect. When she pushes so far, you either escape to giving in or get mad at her creating so much difficulty.
Anyway you survive at that time, but deep in your heart you know you didn’t do it right. Maybe you shouldn’t have given up so quickly but guided her with more patience. Or you should have controlled your emotion and talked with her more kindly.
The nicer person you are, the more you criticize yourself after the matter. You try to be a better caregiver. When the child whines again, you try to be more patient.
Is it successful? Typically the harder he tries, the harder he explodes because the child pushes as far as he can push. He explodes (or gives in), and later he criticizes himself again.
It took a long time to make a decision when I was leaving my ex husband. I knew it would be good for me to finish the unsuccessful relationship, but I was not sure if it was also a good decision for our children. My ex is a very nice person and kids love him. We had a nice house in the neighbourhood we loved. Our separation meant changing such a comfortable environment for kids. I wasn’t sure if I should take children’s such a content life away just because I was not happy.
But eventually I was threatened by my energy level reaching down to the critical point. I grew up with a mother staying in bed all the time. Once you reach that point, it becomes too difficult to recover. I didn’t want to let myself go down that far. I didn’t want my children to grow up with a sick mother. Then I realized that being myself honestly was, after all, the best thing I could do for my children.
I accepted my ‘mistakes’. I accepted my ‘failure’. I accepted my selfishness. I accepted my limitation. And I shared myself with my ex and children. I told them this was the best I could do although it was not perfect.
Unfortunately, as far as they are the dependents, young children can’t help following the parents’ decisions. I didn’t excuse myself but told kids they had no choice. They eventually learned that they can’t have everything they want. I have kept teaching them they can choose to do their best to enjoy their life out of what they get.
I don’t have any guilty conscious to be myself. When a child pushes me too far, I react accordingly. Sometimes I get mad at him. Sometimes I tell him I need a break. I am trying to offer the best I could do, but I am not trying to be perfect. Children should learn people are not perfect because it is the reality.
When you see the beautiful rainbow in the sky or powerful waves on the ocean, you are simply impressed or could be overwhelmed because it is so real straight forward. When you are yourself with no complicating feelings and thoughts behind, children just look at you as is. The more I become myself, the less power struggles happen around me.
I am not sure if it applies to everyone but it may interest you.