I thought she was interested in getting together. She didn’t have a vehicle, so I occasionally offered a ride to go shopping or visit somewhere. Every time she had something to do and couldn’t make it. She sounded really sorry for missing the opportunity so I kept inviting her whenever something that I thought would be fun and/or good for her happened. Unfortunately each time she was too busy with this and that.
Gradually I started wondering if she was not really interested in getting together with me. Come to think of it, it was always me who invited. She had never invited me for anything although she seemed enjoying the conversation whenever we had a chance. Probably she was just being polite and I was only interfering with her.
After all, I stopped inviting her. The disappointment with her was so accumulated that I could start disliking her before I actually knew who she was. I didn’t want it happened, so I decided not to continue. Still there was certain emotion left – somewhat sad, bitter and uncomfortable. I was hurt.
If I carelessly let it grow, I will be likely to think the problem is her – she is so flattering and insensitive that she gets on my nerves. But the fact is I don’t know her enough to say what she really is. The only thing I can be certain about in this situation is how I am feeling – I am in pain.
She is a serious person. She is working hard to make her own life. She is not rude or mean to me, rather very friendly. She just doesn’t make any time for me. She is busy.
So am I. I am busy, too, but I make time to interact with people. People are higher priorities to me. She, on the other hand, doesn’t make time to do anything with me after so many invitations.
I know people have different priorities. I shouldn’t expect her to have the same values as mine. I totally understand it, and it is fair. Nevertheless, I am still in pain. Acknowledging the fairness of the situation doesn’t really erase the pain.
It seems like I get hurt when someone shows no interest in the involvement with me. It may be because I think the involvement is the most needed thing to make our life better. Or simply I may want to be recognized by others.
There is no point to investigate if her actions toward me were appropriate or not. My focus is what I see about myself through the experience with others. She just happened to be the ‘play mate’ this time. Sometimes it is my husband who didn’t say thank you for what I did for him. It is a cashier at a store who didn’t smile at me but the next customer. The interaction with someone else causes the opportunity to me to discover what’s within me. She or he is just the mirror to reflect it.
My pain was not caused by her. It was already inside of me and she just became the trigger to awake it. We all have wounds and also the self healing power. To heal it, I need to examine and learn what and where it is, when it breaks out and why. Just like an experienced doctor stays calm always, I will be able to stay calm with my pain inside after so many practices.
A good doctor doesn’t ignore the shadow on the X-ray picture and the irregular pulse. A good observer of itself doesn’t ignore the shadow of your emotions. Acknowledge it first, then decide how to deal with it.
I acknowledge my pain within me. Then I accept it as the normal, natural thing as a human. What if my friend or child have a pain in her heart? I can’t fix it but will hug and love her as is. I do the same thing to myself. I am perfectly okay to have the shadow of the emotions. It is so human like.
Next time I hear someone complaining about someone else, I will see his pain. The person somehow triggered his pain. He got hurt. The pain causes anger and antipathy. It is a mystery if the ‘bad person’ according to him is really bad or not, but it is certain that he is in pain.
Thanks to her I am learning a lot. That’s why I keep trying to be involved with others. It is not always easy, but it is worth it.