An assignment I gave to my 8 years old son this summer was to master tying the shoelace. He had been trying time to time but hadn’t been there yet.
At the last day of summer break, he got up quite early. We had breakfast together while the others were still in bed. After we ate, it’s still early, fresh and quiet. I thought it was a good time to practice shoelace tying with him.
He had never been excited at learning it to begin with. I had taught him how to a few times early this year, but he was frustrated and discouraged. So I didn’t push.
But now he was definitely old enough to learn it, otherwise something was seriously wrong, either his physical capability, mental capability or my parenting skill. Once again I encouraged him to try.
He asked me why he had to learn this. I said it’s a skill that would be beneficial for him sometime. He didn’t see how beneficial it could be. I said it’s like swimming. When you have the skill, you can choose to use it or not. But if you don’t have the skill, you have no choice. If you can swim, you can choose to swim or get drawn, but if you can’t, you have no choice but get drawn.
He refused to get the point. We carried on.
He loosened the shoelace by himself and slipped his foot without any problem. Then he started acting like a baby – kept the loop loose and said he didn’t know how to tighten it and such thing. That was his behavior pattern. He doesn’t have temper tantrum or aggressiveness but plays Poor-Me to get people’s attention. He is an actor.
I ignored his acting and kept giving the instruction calmly. And then he stopped complaining but instead started making the ‘sound effect’ – ‘neee’, ‘yeee’, etc – with miserable expression to present his struggling and frustration. Eventually I got tired of it and asked him: ‘Does your making sound help you tie the shoelace better?’
He: ‘No’
I: ‘Then why do you make such a sound?’
He: ‘…..’
I: ‘If it helps you, do so, but if it doesn’t, why do you do so? Isn’t it a waste?’
He: ‘…..’
I: ‘In addition, such a noise often annoys others.
What you are doing is called whining. Some people get really annoyed with someone’s whining. Your dad often tells you to stop whining, doesn’t he? He doesn’t like it.
Your whining doesn’t help you to do anything better and it makes others upset at you. Then why do you whine? You may want to think about what you are doing and why.’
He got quiet and went back to the shoelace tying, but obviously he was not motivated.
After watching him for a while I stopped him and said: ‘If you don’t want to learn, you don’t need to learn.’
He: ‘…..’
I: ‘This is the matter of choice. I can’t force you to learn. You choose to learn or not.
And choosing not to learn doesn’t mean it is bad. I suggest to learn since I think it is beneficial to you, but it doesn’t mean I am right. There is no right or wrong. You can make your own choice.
Besides, you should understand – whichever choice you make, there is the sequences. The cause always brings the result. If you choose to learn, you get a result. If you choose not to learn, you get another result. This you can’t avoid.
So, now you can make a choice to learn it or not. If you don’t want to learn, you can choose not to learn. It is not bad or wrong. But you should be ready for the result. You choose one thing, then it brings the result.
Everything is a choice. It’s your choice. No matter what you choose, neither is right or wrong, and you have to be ready for the result.’
And I pressured him:
‘Make a choice. If you choose not to learn, that is fine. And I don’t waste my time trying to teach you. Just be ready for the sequences of your choice, that’s all.’
He took the shoe and asked me if I could loose it for him.
We went back to the trial.
Next, he beautifully followed the all steps without any complaint, funny face or annoying noise. He knew what he was supposed to do, he just needed several more times to practice.
The clear awareness that what you are doing is your own choice makes your life simpler. Instead of blaming others, you take the all responsibility for your life.
Actually you should stop blaming anyone including yourself. It is not your fault or someone else’s. It’s just a choice you made. By making a choice, the result happens. Then we deal with it, that’s all. Without making a choice, only the time goes but nothing will move. So all choices you make have the meaning. The only thing we can do is to get the most out of it. Don’t waste your time to look for the way to blame someone.
I admit the mother saying ‘it’s totally up to you, I am not responsible for it’ gives him a great fear which manipulates the child to follow the mother’s ‘suggestion.
But I honestly think it is totally up to him. I will keep asking what he really wants to choose as he gets older. I will share my idea what kind of sequences there can be, but I want him to take it just as a reference, and I want him to be honest to himself. As the result, if he chooses not to learn something, I can’t do anything about it and I don’t blame it. After all, I can’t predict the all sequences after the choice. And, I am not responsible for the sequences either. One way or another, it is his choice and his life. He should have the ownership.
As a parent, I want him to learn to be responsible for his own choice and own life. And as a person, I am trying to be responsible for my own.