A good friend of mine just had a baby. Welcome to the parental world!
The news reminded me when I had my own. I had a very smooth delivery both times. Still the first month or two was really hard. It was totally different from what I used to consider busy.
I have experienced an intensive work load in Japan. I was at the office from 6 am till midnight, took some work home, and scrambled with emergency issues at the same time. It was very busy and I was pretty much occupied with work all the time, but I could plan many things ahead of time. As far as I organized well, I could be ready for the situations to a good degree.
But a baby was different. It didn’t let me sleep whenever I wanted. It even didn’t allow me to go to the bathroom freely. If I can’t go to the bathroom due to work, I would say there’s something wrong. With a baby, you have no choice. There is nothing wrong. It is a baby, 100% dependent on you.
A new mother is basically no control over her life.
On the top of the stress of baby care, there come the people who get too excited to see the situation. They are very happy for the baby’s arrival, and commonly very much willing to help the new family, but indeed add more stress on them, especially the mother.
I had a friend who was really trying to help me when I had my own. She was single, had an unmarried son who is my age, had no grandchildren and loved to have kids around. A very nice, loving person but quite emotional and could be judgmental. Super excited when I broke the news of my pregnancy.
She stopped by with some food, clothes or toys almost every day. She asked if I needed anything. She took us for shopping. It was great yet whenever she was there, I had to be awake. When I finally finished feeding baby and about to lay down to catch up with my own need, the phone or door bell rang. She brought so much stuff that I had to spend time to sort things out, and unfortunately quite a few things simply went to the bag for give away without being used.
Anyway, to make a long story short, she was a great help but also made my life restless. The more she showed her ‘love’ for us, the harder it was to deny it.
It seems my friend has the similar situation right now. Often the most appreciated for a new mother is to leave her and the baby alone, but there’s someone who disturbs the peace to ‘help’.
So I did a quick research and discovered this is actually a very universal, common situation, typically between a mother-in-law and new mother.
I saw a new father had the similar situation as well, which I thought was quite interesting. There will be more and more such a case from now on as the men get more involved into the childcare that was traditionally regarded as the mother’s job.
If you are expecting a new grandchild, it may be an idea to study how today’s new mothers are experiencing. The childcare standards have changed a lot from their parents’ time. Fathers are getting more involved into the childcare and family. Their expectation is different. The information and technology is updated.
If you are going to have the first baby, knowing this common mother-in-law problem may be helpful somewhat.
Either way, a positive side of this matter is that it can be an opportunity to review and rebuild the relationship between the adult family members. If your mother or mother-in-law is like that, you can think of her influence onto you or your husband, the child of the woman. Basically she can’t let her child go as an adult. She can’t help clinging on something to make herself feel worthy. This makes you reconsider how you are. Do you make a decision based on your own values and desires? Or you do it based on someone else’s instruction? Do you let someone take over your life? Do you really like it?
The point is not to fix her. You can respect her way but don’t have to accept.
It is easier said than done. I know it because I have done it poorly with the lady who helped us a lot.
What happened on the relationship between the grandma figure friend and me? I blew up after all. I was so emotional I had to cut the tie off.
What made me struggled the most was the children. As she was like their nana, I didn’t want them to feel the obligation to give her up just because their mom didn’t want to see her anymore. I made it clear it was perfectly okay to like her and want to see her. I encouraged them to express the want if they had. After the reminder for more than a half year, I realized that the kids were not so attached her as I thought.
She wanted to be their grandmother. As she was so passionate, I was trying to bridge her and children by coordinating the activities. She brought presents after presents for kids, that of course they got excited. But she couldn’t buy their heart by gifts and her one-way, pushy ‘love’. They spend a lot of time with her. She entertained the children a lot. But, to my surprise, they knew she was doing everything for herself under the name of ‘love for children’.
After that we physically moved away from her. She wanted to get our phone number and stuff, but I simply said no being afraid of her calling whenever she wanted without any consideration for our schedule. She occasionally sends a card to children but they don’t seem excited too much. I don’t say anything positive or negative, just let it go.
It is unfortunate. I know she is a good person. She is just an unfortunate person. I tried to talk with her what was the problem, at least what I think is. She can’t understand. I stopped to fight.
My job is not to fix her. My job is to learn from my experience. I still love her, but I can’t find anything I can do at this point.
To-be-expected mother and mother-in-law, I don’t wish such a thing happen on you. This requires both end’s courage to face to yourself.
Don’t use someone, especially a child, to make yourself feel worthy.
